Dealing with It

Today is a gorgeous autumn day where the weather is warm and sunny with a gentle breeze and the vibrancy of the leaves makes life look like a painting. I sat out on the deck with my mom discussing my imminent future. I asked her how she was feeling about everything that is coming up for me and she said she was feeling scared but at the same time excited for this to be happening. She knows that if I didn't have this transplant, I'd be gone rather soon anyways and so this is the best shot we've got at keeping me around. She told me she wants to make the best of the remaining days that I have here just in case things don't go so well for me post transplant. She asked how I was feeling about the chemotherapy, transplant and recovery and even I was surprised by what slipped out of my thoughts and into my words. "I feel nothing."

I had never said it out loud before today although I knew I have felt this way about my upcoming hardships for the last few weeks. I figure that if I let the subconscious emotions I have going on take a life of their own, I would become so completely overwhelmed I would become incapacitated. I am taking life one day at a time and trying to enjoy my last few pre-hospital weeks to their fullest. I told her that I am more scared for the egg collection than I am for the transplant but that's likely because it's happening soon and I am not looking forward to a needle being pushed that far into my body. I am not so scared about the idea of dying as my family is for me because I would not be the one dealing with the grief afterwards, I would just be gone and that's it. I mean I obviously don't want to die and I would give anything to prevent the sadness that my loved ones would feel, not to mention I wouldn't be able to live out my dream of traveling the world.

However, if it comes to an end before that happens, I have lived a life full of happiness with endless love from my family and my life has been a beautiful one so far. I never experienced hardships in my childhood and always had good food in my belly. I am glad I have grown old enough to begin to see the crows feet slowly developing on my face from years of laughter. I am happy with the person I have become and enjoy being a little out of the box and weird in my own ways. My life is wonderful and nothing will change that.